Waiting for change
by ani0729
Summary: AU - Ranger trying to figure out how he wants to lead the rest of his life and who he wants to be in that life. I am a BABE all the way. I don't think I could write any other ending.
1. Chapter 1

Waiting for Change

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

I am glad I left my guitar in the trunk of the BMW; the guys are getting a little too inquisitive on where I have been going once a week. All I say every time is that I am offline. I think that they were assuming I was going to Stephanie's, until they heard she was back with Morelli again. Tank knows where I am, just in case of dire emergency. I won't have my cell, I won't have any trackers. I never have time to just be me – not Ranger Manoso, bad ass bounty hunter, not Carlos Manoso, CEO of Rangeman. Just Rico Manoso from Newark, NJ. It is partially my fault, I play both roles so perfectly, and they are a part of me. But not the whole of me, there is so much more than I let people see.

I am guarded with my heart; I don't think the person who holds it really wants it. I am guarded with my life because it can so easily be used against me. I wish I could let her into my life; there have been several times I wanted to invite her in. Then she goes back to Morelli. I don't think my life is a place she really wants to be. I think it is fun to play with the "bad boy" for awhile, but she is a Burg girl.

I stupidly fell in love with the wrong woman. I know I sent her back to him, but if she really wanted me, she would have fought. Steph fights for everything else she wants, but never once tried to fight for me or for us.

I can't lay all the blame on her because I have said so many things designed to keep her at arm's length. I take what she can give me, because I know she isn't ready for me. I am not sure if she ever will be.

I drive the BMW to a garage I rented and switch it for the Black Ford pickup. I don't want to stand out where I am going. I take the guitar and put it on the passenger seat and grab my duffle bag so I can change. This is the place for bad ass black. I put on my well worn blue jeans, white t-shirt and blue and grey flannel shirt. I leave my hair down, happy that it is starting to grow back, but glad that it isn't all down my back again. I finish with one silver hoop and my dog tags.

I think Steph would be shocked if she could see me now. I know she only sees one dimension of me. That is another reason I regret falling for her.

I don't have time to dwell; I only have 45 minutes to get to Philadelphia for Tritone's open mic night. It feels good to have a chance to perform. I know some of the men might remember that I can and do play guitar and sing, but most of them wouldn't believe it. Some nights it just feels right to lose myself in the song.

When nothing else is going my way and I feel I have let others down or I have been let down. This is the one thing I have always turned to.

Before the Army, I had aspirations to be a rock star, like every other kid. I wanted to be famous. I took guitar lessons every chance I could, even when it wasn't "cool" to play. Even when I was teased and threatened, then I added time in the weight room to my schedule. No one messed with me once I put on muscle.

I had my future all planned and out and then Papa got sick. The time for childish dreams was over. I always played, but it was also time to get serious about my life. I had to find a way not to be a financial burden on my family. They had so much more important things to worry about then my guitar lessons.

I shake my head out of those memories. I made it on time. I always do, I find a great parking spot. Steph calls it my parking karma. I walk into the club and greet a few people. No one recognizes me as Ranger here, I am just Rico- it feels nice, free. These are the nights I think about walking away from it all and just being Rico.

Before I can get too deep into that line of thought my name is called as on deck. I am next, I never plan too much what I am going to play, the song usually just comes to me. When it is my turn, I grab my old acoustic and start to sing.

Waiting on the world to change by John Mayer is what comes out of the guitar. I guess it fits; I am waiting on the world to change or is it time for me to change my world?

_A/N: This story was just dying to get out. I don't know how good at writing two stories at once I will be, but this idea has been growing for awhile. If everyone thinks it is a good start I will start trying to plan where this will go. Any ideas and reviews are welcome. _

_I think I need rehab for my Ranger addiction _


	2. Chapter 2

Waiting for Change

Part 2 

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

Am I too young for a midlife crisis? All during the meeting today all I could think of what songs I want to practice or learn. I tried not to appear distracted and I fooled everyone but Tank, I know he is thinking that something is going on with me. But he is too afraid to ask. When did I become the type of person whose friends are afraid to ask them questions? I thought that is what friends meant, someone to call them on their shit. No one does that for me, the rumors of me sending people to third world countries have gotten out of hand. I know I had to establish a reputation in this business to keep the gangs and lowlifes from bothering us. Some of the things, okay a lot of the rumors are true, but they were meant to keep people in line and gain respect. It wasn't supposed to make my friends and employees keep their distance.

People I have known my whole life don't invite me to drinks after work, no one just drops by my apartment to say "hi". I have to take ownership of all of that, but it has gotten out of control. I don't know where to begin to fix it. There has to be a balance between badass and still being considered a person. I should have known that as soon as the girls at the bonds office started referring to me as Batman. At first I liked it, it did make me feel larger than life, but I am just a man.

I have done so much damage to my relationship with Stephanie, no wonder she is with Morelli. She didn't fight to be with me, but did I give her anything to fight for. I don't know why I have such trouble talking to her. I am far from a monk; I have dated more than my fair share of women. I don't want to give the wrong impression, as much as I love Stephanie, I am not sitting around pining for her. I date and I see people, just not in Trenton.

There is something about her that makes me want to hold her close and push her away at the same time. I can't think about it, I can't figure it out. I just don't know. There are days that I think that I am supposed to spend my life with her and I should pursue her, tell her my feelings. Then the other days, I think she needs to be with Morelli and live the life everyone expects of her. A life with me, no matter how I chose to live it, will not be the same as living in the Burg. No matter how dissatisfied I am with the way I am living my life now, I will never be the 2.5 kids, picket fence, home by 5 guy.

Should I try to find out if that is what she even wants? How do I approach her with that? I have told her so many times that my life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Even if I can get her to take me seriously on the relationship department, I told her she was my entertainment. See I fuck it up at every turn. I don't know if I can fix it. I don't know if I should.

I am not used to be so unsure of myself and what to do. I am a man of action not of contemplation.

I can finally quit for the day, the stack of paperwork on my desk looks the same as when I walked into the office. My mind hasn't been on the task at hand. I take some paperwork upstairs. Maybe I can concentrate better up here.

Thankful that I soundproofed my office when I moved in, I get out the electric to practice some songs I haven't played in years. I don't plan what I am going to sing in advance, because I have so many songs memorized. I have been playing a lot of alternative rock on open mic night. I am hoping that one day I will feel like playing some old school rock.

I start playing old school Metallica "Fade to Black", I remember how proud I was when I learned the intro. Memories of late night band practices, cigarettes, too much alcohol and underage drinking and the memories make me smile.

How come those memories can make me smile, but not much in my life now makes me smile? What did I have then that I am lacking now? I feel like the answer is right in front of me and I can't grasp it.

My cell rings, I don't have time to worry about it now, business is calling. This is why I am trying to figure if I need to go away for awhile. It seems that every time I get close to finding my answer, some emergency distracts me.

Tank is on the phone, "High bond skip and he needs to be picked up tonight. We are the only ones free, can you be ready in 5?"

I sigh, I never sigh.

"Yes, I will be down in 5."

I hang up and put my shirt and weapons back on. It is back to Batman.

_A/N: I hope this chapter is good also. I still don't really have a direction. But I do love it when a story writes it's self. Any suggestions, reviews or comments are always welcome. Thanks for reading! _


	3. Chapter 3

Waiting for Change

Part 2

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

I was surprised when Ranger knocked on my door. He never knocks, I was afraid of what that meant. He has been scarce since I got back with Joe. I couldn't think too much about that because he hasn't given me any reason to think that he wanted me for more than casual sex. He is the one who told me to go back to Joe. If he gave me any indication that he wanted to be with me, I would try it. I don't understand why I am so drawn to him. I hardly know him, from what I hear and see no one really knows him. He has taken loner to an entirely new level.

He sits down on the couch and looks up at me very seriously. "Babe, I didn't want to disappear without telling you I was leaving."

"Leaving? Are you going "in the wind"?" I have always worried about him when he took off for parts unknown. No one talks about what he does, he does dangerous things and he is a dangerous man. I wonder if that is part of the appeal for me. He is unlike anyone I have ever known, so opposite the Burg and everything I am supposed to want. I wonder if I just want him because I am not supposed to. I am so tired of being judged for my every move, my every mistake. Ranger is the only person who doesn't seem to judge me or think I am incapable. I would be devastated if something happened to him and he didn't come home. I would say he is my best friend, but I think that would be sad. As much as I think of him as my friend, I can't even say that he thinks that way of me.

"I am not going in the wind; Tank will be able to get a hold of me any time. I am going to take a vacation; Tank will run Rangemen, so if you need anything call him. If there is an emergency I will be reachable."

He is volunteering information? I notice that he didn't tell me where he was going. My life is an open book to him and he is always so guarded and cagey with information. I know that is another reason that I don't really know where I stand with him.

He stands up to leave and suddenly I want to do anything to make him stay. I walk over to him and put my arms around him and lay my head on his chest. He stiffens for a second then wraps his arms around me. I never make initial contact; I just react to what he gives me. We stand there for a while, the sound of his heart beating in my ear gives me comfort in a way Joe never does.

"Babe." He whispers in my ear. "I have to go, I will miss you. Call me anytime, look at speed dial 10 on your cell. That is where you can reach me."

With that he is gone; I wonder why he said I could call him? I don't think he intended to ever tell me that. Speed dial 10? I never checked. I go get my cell and it is a number that I don't answer. Is that his personal number? It isn't a New Jersey area code; I don't want to invade his privacy by finding out where it is. It is enough that he gave it to me.

We almost had a real conversation. He never told me how long he would be gone, but a vacation never can last forever. I will probably see him in a week or two. His voice sounded like it would be longer. He has a company to run, so he can't be gone from it too long? Can he?

I look at the time; I need to go to my parent's for dinner. Obligations and expectations, sometimes the weight of them feels like they are going to crush me. I am an adult, but my own mother thinks I am incapable of making a decision and running my own life. Every time I go over there I hear more and more of what I can't do and how I need someone to take care of me. It is better now that Joe and I are together. But us being together isn't enough, we need to be married, I need to pop out some kids and then my mother still wouldn't be happy.

I don't know if I want to get married again, is it the thought of marriage that terrifies me or the thought of being married to a Morelli man. Would finding the right man dull the mind numbing fear I feel at the mere mention of walking down that aisle? My marriage to Dickie was a spectacular failure. I don't understand why he wanted to get married if he had no intention of being faithful. It wasn't as if I asked him, it was his idea and I got caught up in it. I did what my family wanted, what I should do. Not what I wanted to do.

Are they going to push me into marrying Joe? Am I going to let them? I think that marriage would make us both miserable. I would have to change everything about me, to make him happy. Doesn't that mean that he doesn't want to be with ME? He just wants to be with who he turns me into. Would I be better off and happier if I could change to be what I am expected to be?

There is a big part of me that wants to conform, that wonders what is wrong with me that I can't. That it would be easier to be Valerie and just fall lock step into the ideals that have been drilled into me since childhood. But the part of me that always wants to fly says that would kill me. Am I leading exactly the life I want to live, no, but it I better than the alternative.

I know I keep bounty hunting more because everyone thinks that I can't do it, than it being something that I want to do anymore. Quitting would just admit to the world that I was in over my head and they were right. I think I am good at it in ways, but I don't like getting shot at, death threats, stalkers, I don't want it as part of my life. I don't feel safe, the only time I feel perfectly safe is when Ranger is near. I can feel him when he is close. I never can feel Joe.

What does that mean that I can feel him? Can he feel me? Is that what love feels like? Does Ranger know what his presence does for me, the confidence it lends me and the warmth I feel in my soul when he says he is proud of me? I wonder does anyone do that for him. Does anyone make him feel as important as he can make me feel?

He can make me feel worse than anyone also, I also know that he wants to push people away. Some of the hurtful things he has said I know are part of his defense mechanism in order not to get too close. It hurt and sometimes it still does. But what hurts more is that he felt the need to push me away. It has to be hard for him to feel he needs to be so solitary.

_A/N: I hope that I got Stephanie's voice. She doesn't come as easily to me as Ranger for some reason. _

_Please review. I have been getting a lot of reviews on where this should go and I appreciate it so much. _


	4. Chapter 4

Waiting for Change

Part 4

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

Tank was surprised when I told him I was taking some time off. I have never just taken a vacation. Instead of my one word answer, I tried to explain to him that I felt like I was burning out. He was not shocked about the burn out; all the guys get leave after a mission or a few days off after a rough takedown. I never take it; I was shot and was back to work the next week. I never know what to do with too much idle time on my hands.

He has no trouble running Rangeman in my absence; he does it enough when I go on missions or jobs. I trust him implicitly and he is brilliant. I need to figure out a way to give him more responsibility and more money for all of the work he does. I don't think I need to work as much as I do, if we could come up with an arrangement to make him my partner and not my second in command. Will give everyone what they want, Tank more money and less field time and me more free time.

Free time, would I really know what to do with that time if I really had it? More time on the guitar, maybe trying to write my own music. There is no place I want to go that I have not been anything to see that I haven't seen. It would be nice to see it through the eyes of someone who has not been there and seen everything. To see it with someone who doesn't see the danger around every corner, who doesn't see that the beautiful cities were built on the blood and tears of the less fortunate.

I wonder if Stephanie would want to travel the world with me. To see it through her eyes would be amazing. Would she be the partner I need to have fun again? I can admit none of the other women I have tried hold my interest very long. They are usually only interested in a husband or a one night stand. I am not complaining because I allow myself to be with women who don't challenge me. I can't get hurt by them emotionally because I am never emotionally attached to them.

That is another question for me to think about, why is it that I surround or attach myself to women who won't question my actions? The one woman I know who would pull me up short when I needed it, I keep my distance from. Am I too much of a coward with my heart? So what if I pursue her and get rejected? Is my ego too big to handle rejection?

I do worry that I am starting to believe my own hype. The "great" Ranger Manoso. I don't really believe it, but it is very easy to fall into that. This keeps me so far from what I think I want to become.

Looking out of the airplane window, I see nothing but blue skies and blue water. I rented a bungalow in Pinones Beach, one of my favorite beaches in Puerto Rico. Purposely isolated, I just packed board shorts, tank tops, flip flops and my guitars. I requested some basic recording equipment to be delivered and waiting for me. Two weeks in paradise with minimal contact with others should help me clear my head. This forced isolation with only my music and running along the beach I hope gets me in a better place than I am now.

I didn't give Tank an ETA on my return, but I am thinking about a month. I will stay here for two weeks and then will stay two weeks in an apartment in Philadelphia. Hector should have all the security measures I required installed by the time I get there. That is the part of the vacation I am really looking forward to. Just living life as a person, not as some myth of a person or some super hero, just Rico Mann. That has always been my favorite alias, as close to whom I was growing up as I can get.

I hope I am going about this correctly. I couldn't think of another plan. I am assuming that it will give me some basis to compare what kind of life I want to live, with the live I do live. If I can make friends as Rico and let people in, then hopefully I can learn to do that in my everyday life. It sounds like a good plan on paper, but when I try to think about it, it seems like I am taking myself away from exactly what I want. TI have two weeks to get is straight. I hope Stephanie calls, I want to run this by someone and she is the person I trust the most.

Where is the true balance between being badass and just a man? It can be done; Tank, Lester and Hector have found it. Why is it so hard for me? What am I lacking that makes me keep everyone at arm's length? It can't just be that I am afraid of the safety of others, because the guys can hold their own and I keep them away too. Stephanie attracts her fair share of crazies without me.

Should my main concern be is Steph ready for me or should it be am I ready for her? Am I able to be the man she needs, the open available, entire man? Not the man of mystery that sneaks in and out of her life like smoke.

Do I want to be happy? I sometimes don't think I deserve happiness. I have done some questionable things for money and for my country. While I have no regrets, I think the deeds have left marks on my soul.

I told Steph before that I am sick emotionally and sexually. Could she handle that? Would she even want to? I am not sure I want to inflict myself on her; I don't want to change the things I love about her. Would extended time with me taint her in some unexplained way?

The taxi arrives at the house; it is the perfect house, no one around as far as I can see. Ideal for practicing all hours of the night without any complaints.

The first one I have in mind is something that I have wanted to try since I heard it - "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars. I don't know if it will ever fit one of my performance moods, but it is a good song to add to my repertoire.

Casey at the club wants me to do a showcase or something like that. The regulars have been asking to hear me for more than one song every week or so. I told him I would let him know in two weeks. I just need to learn more songs and figure out what direction I want the show to go and if I want the entire thing to be acoustic and solo or do I need to find a band. I wonder if Steph and the guys would come.

_A/N: Thanks again for reading this. I think it is taking more of a shape the more I write. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions I would love them. I am working on other POVs of the time when Ranger is away. So if you think of anyone that you would like to hear from, let me know, if I can write them I will try. _


	5. Chapter 5

Waiting for Change

Part 5

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

**Tank**

Ranger was long overdue for a vacation. I know he said it, I didn't believe that he would do it. He actually left; the only contact with Rangeman will be his personal cell phone and the laptop with only email access. When he finally admitted he was burnt out, I was not surprised. He lives life as if he was a machine; everyone treats him as if he is an unstoppable force. Under the entire persona he is still a man, a genius level, very talented man. But he has basic needs, as everyone does, that are not being met. Not to sound like a psychology text book, but in the hierarchy of needs, he is lacking in the Love/Belonging need. I am not talking about sex, while he never shares details; I know he has no problem finding willing women.

He has cut himself off from all of us. We all used to drink, play pool, watch basketball and all of those things that guys do together. I can't put my finger on why it happened, but when he came back from a mission in Saudi Arabia, he slowly stopped coming out and we slowly stopped inviting. He wouldn't talk about the mission, I know it was classified, but he wouldn't even say if the objective was completed.

I can't imagine spending all of the time alone that he does, I like my space as much as the next person. But he is taking this solitude to an entirely new level. I know that he has been playing guitar again, the only reason I know is so I can find him in case of an emergency. I have snuck into the club a few times, he is an amazing player, I never heard him sing before and he is great. If his life would have gone a different direction, I could see him earning a living playing. He isn't just a one trick cry-baby rock pony. He plays everything from Blues to Classic Rock and the alternative that is so popular around here.

When he is on stage he looks so relaxed and dresses so much different than I would ever see him around Trenton. I think he is losing part of himself in the persona, because it makes it easy to keep everyone away. I wonder when he decided that happiness was for everyone but him.

I consider him my best friend and I even am unsure how to approach him. He isn't volatile, he just gets so unresponsive.

The only one that doesn't shy away from him is Stephanie. I question whether they are ever going to get their heads out of their asses and admit what everyone can plainly see. They are in love. I know the women he typically attracts and they have never held his interest. Steph has complete access to his apartment, which is unheard of. Not just for Ranger-that is a big step for any man. It tells the woman that there is never a time that another woman would be there. Does Stephanie see that? No, because she is just as obtuse as Ranger.

I think of Stephanie and she appears.

"Steph, what's up? Do you need to run some searches?"

I hate how money seems so tight for her. Morelli never seems to help her out at all. I know her pride would not let her take a hand out, but as her "man" shouldn't he offer some kind of assistance. Ranger always manages to have work for her when he notices that she is eating more than one meal a week at her parents' house.

"Yes I always can run searches while I am here. I could always use the extra cash. I have a question about Ranger's vacation and the phone number he gave me.

He told her he was going on vacation? I assumed that he would make it sound like a mission. And he must have given her his personal number-since that is the only phone he has on him. I tell her that if he gave her his number, then it is fine for her to call.

"You know that if he didn't want you to have it, he would have just stayed quiet."

She nods slowly and asks if she can ask more questions and to stop her if she gets too nosey.

"Sure, I will answer what I can."

"Has he ever taken a vacation before? Why now and where did he go?"

These are mostly easy questions and since he told her some things, I don't think I am breaking a confidence.

"Nope, never taken a vacation, not in the entire time I have known him. He said he was feeling tightly wound and burnt out. He is in Puerto Rico for a few weeks."

She starts wondering to herself, semi-out loud. If he just needs to relax, why would he go alone?

I was wondering the same thing. I think he is at a loss on what to do with himself. He has enough money, he has a successful company, retired his military career at the top of his game and now seem bored and at loose ends.

I feel bad for my friend because I happier than I have ever been. I have great friends, a great woman who is in my life without taking over my life. I have a job that I am great at. He needs to take more time off to find those things for himself. I am willing to take more of the day to day operations of the company off his hands. He doesn't need to be in the thick of things every day. He has established Rangeman so well, it can practically run itself.

It is all about balance. He hasn't found it and he isn't in the headspace where he will take advice.

Steph gets up and tells me that she is going to go run some searches. "I think I will call him."

"Good, I think he would like that."

I smile as she walks out. I wonder if Morelli realizes that if Ranger comes to his senses, Steph is as good as gone.

_A/N: I hope this isn't too much explanation. I just think to see how Ranger was from an outside perspective would be good. It will be back to Ranger in the next chapter. _

_Thanks everyone for reading. My time is sporadic so I get lots of time to write some weeks and none others. So I will take the writing time where I can find it. _

_Please review. Thanks! _


	6. Chapter 6

Waiting for Change

Part 6

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I was pleasantly surprised when Stephanie called. I know part of me hoped she would, because other than the fact that I do love her. I think of her as one of my closest friends and to think that she would call, mean I haven't completely pushed everyone out of my life.

He timing was great. I was just sitting around thinking how I have really kept a great distance between myself and my friends. It doesn't feel great to be alone, especially alone in a prison of your own making. I know I need to change some things, which is what this trip has been about, spending time in my head trying to sort out when and how things got so fucked up. I stay away from my family, I have declined so many invitations and my sisters just stopped asking. I make sure they are provided for, but my presence is no longer requested. It hurt my feelings a little, but I do realize that it is my own entire fault.

I have known Tank almost my entire adult life, I trust him, Bobby and Lester like brothers and I believe that they feel the same about me. But I they do not feel comfortable in my apartment. They only come up to seven when it is work related. I know that they all have homes outside of Rangeman, but I have never just gone over. The guys all hang out together, drink, play basketball all the things I used to do, but those invitations stopped coming also.

I have to ask Steph on one of our calls, why she thinks that the guys don't invite me anymore. I even tell her that it does bother me.

She takes so long to answer; I can tell she is putting a lot of thought into it. She sounds hesitant as she says,

"Ranger, during work everyone defers to your judgment and they should because you are excellent at what you do. But on their downtime no one wants to do that. You are constantly working; you are always on work mode. When the guys kick back and are just shooting the shit, do you even know how to turn it off? Can you relax enough to do that? If you can't that would start to make people uncomfortable.

Are you relaxed around anyone, ever?"

It is time for some honesty; I have evaded her questions and spoke in double talk for a long time. I want her as a friend, even if she stays with and marries Morelli, none of that is as important as being friends with this woman.

"You, I am relaxed with you."

"But Ranger, you are still guarded around me. If that is as relaxed as you can get, you are never going to be able to have any fun. Do you have fun? I am not sure I want to know this answer, but do you date?"

More honesty, I don't want to lie and say I don't. Because I am not a monk, I meet people I am attracted to, but no one who I can see myself spending a lot of time with. No one I can imagine sharing a conversation like this with. I tell her that I do date; I just don't find what I am looking for when I am out. Everyone is too something or not enough of something that keeps my interest.

"Then who do you talk to when you have a bad day, who do you celebrate with when things are great? I just assumed that you had someone that you unloaded on. Everyone does."

"Babe, when I have a bad day or a good day, I come to see you."

"Ranger, we never talk about your day. I never know any different from one day to the next. If you need something you never ask. If I am the closest person too you, what does that mean that you don't even let me in? What is so bad about you that you think you need to be alone?

Take this vacation for example, Tank told me some things about how you are feeling burnt out. Why would you want to spend all that time alone? Why not get some friends together, kick back and share some laughs?"

I don't really have an answer for her. The first thought I had was that I needed time away. I never really considered taking someone with me. I told her that she had given me some things to think about. I would call her back in two days at the same time with either an answer for her or some questions.

She sounded glad that I said I would call her. I hang up and go outside. It is a beautiful day, the sky and the ocean are a blue that remind me so much of Stephanie's eyes. She has given me a lot to think about. I am glad she called because really all I have been doing is thinking in circles. I know what is wrong, but not sure how to fix it.

If Stephanie is the one I feel closest too and she doesn't know me. What does that mean about me? I spend a long time just staring at the ocean. Hoping the answers will come from there. Of course there is nothing there but the tide.

I take off running down the beach; I don't know what I am running from. But as fast as I take off, you would think the devil himself is after me.

Where does the answer lie, it is still so close, but so far. I don't feel any better here than I did in Trenton. The feelings are the same; the only difference is the geography.

When I make it back to the house, after a nice long shower, where I think about Stephanie longer than I am ready to admit to, I pick up my guitar. The only song that flows out is one that I have known for years, If it Makes You Happy – Sheryl Crow. The words rings so true to me right now, if it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad?

_A/N: I am a little behind in posting so please bear with me. I am working to get this and my other fic caught up, between unexpected family dropping by and 3 days no power things are a little behind everywhere. But I have not and will not abandon my fics. I had been trying to write on notebooks, but without being able to go back and read other chapters. The voice of the characters seemed off. But it is better now. _

_Please review and leave any suggestions. I hope I am not writing Ranger into a corner. I think he knows what he needs to do, but is unsure HOW to change. And I think that is true of a lot of people. _


	7. Chapter 7

Waiting for Change

Part 7

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

For the past two days, the questions Stephanie left me with have been going through my head on repeat. Can I really relax? Relax enough to hang with the guys? Enough to just do something fun or better yet, just do nothing. I know I don't always need to be on high alert. It is something that has become harder and harder for me to turn off.

I used to just be able to leave the missions, job where they were, but the longer I was at it, the more it became harder to stop being the job. It became easier to be the job, than it was to be myself. But in doing that I am losing myself along the way. Where is the guy who can laugh and smile? Is he too far gone? Am I?

I need to, No, I want to start letting people into my life. I want to let Stephanie into my life. I know exactly why I want to keep her near but far. I couldn't bear not seeing her, but I am afraid, I am afraid that when she sees all that I am or all that I am not she wouldn't want me. She has my heart, but I am not sure I have hers. I am not sure I deserve hers.

I have told her so many half truths she would never believe me now if I laid my heart out. I have to show her and if after she sees who I am and what I can give, she still runs. Then she runs. If all she wants to be is friends, than I would rather have her friendship than nothing. Right now, I think I could lose her friendship if I keep playing these dumb games and not letting her in.

I have to start showing her. I always fuck everything up with words. I came up with an idea of sending her some MP3s of songs that make me think of her.

I also can let her into my life, I know so much about her. How can I really expect her to feel anything for someone she barely knows? She doesn't really know me, hell sometimes I don't really know me. I am working on that, maybe we can learn together. If anyone can help me get back to who I am, she can.

Steph isn't the only relationship I need to fix. I stay away from my family and I love them more than anything. And Tank, he is the best friend I have ever had; we have been through so much together. I let that relationship go like it meant nothing. He knew that something was wrong and knew not to push, thinking I would come around in time, like I used to. But it is like anything, the less you use it, emotions are like muscles, they start to atrophy.

Tank is something I can fix now, our relationship isn't complicated; he gets it because he has been there. I call him up. "Yo"

"Ranger, you okay?"

That is a loaded question. I don't have an answer yet, so I just get right to it.

"I have been an ass."

"I know, but which way this time?" he is laughing at me.

"The way that keeps you guys from watching games at my place, drinking up my expensive beer, like it was when we started Rangeman."

"Oh, yeah, you've been an ass."

"That is done; I am going to try not to be an ass, if you call me on it when I am."

"Yup"

"Good and we need to go surging, the waves here are bodacious." We laugh because that is what Lester always said every time we were near a good beach.

"Ranger, it is good to see you are coming back."

"I am working on it."

We talk about some Rangeman business and then hang up. That felt good, I wasn't barking orders or evading questions.

I pick up the acoustic and just run my hand against the well work wood. This is where I feel like me. The person, not the machine. I have been thinking more and more about doing the showcase. Who am I kidding - I have wanted to do this my entire life. I sent an email to a couple of guys I knew, a drummer and a bass player. I will do some songs solo with just my guitar and some on electric with the "band". To do this, I have to actually plan what I am going to play and have a set list and practice time. My music was the one place in my life I didn't have to plan, I just feel. I can learn a song after hearing it a few times and can usually adapt any song that isn't usually a guitar song.

I email Casey and tell him I will do it and ask for the length of time I will be on stage, so I can plan.

I look at the time; I have just enough time to record the song for Steph. I want it to be in her email when we hang up.

I start to record "You Make Me Smile – By Blue October" and have it all ready to hit send when we are done.

_A/N: This chapter is a little shorter; I think I want to do this conversation from Stephanie's POV. I have a lot of songs I think Ranger should sing in his mini-concert. I don't think they all should be meaningful, but if anyone has any songs that he should send to Steph, that would be great. _

_Also any suggestions on how the conversations between Steph and Ranger should go that would be great. I was toying with the idea of a Q&A session, but that feels forced. _

_Thanks for your reviews! Love them, keep them coming. _


	8. Chapter 8

Waiting for Change

Part 8

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I wake up in a cold sweat. The second nightmare of what was supposed to be a short nap.

"Shit." I just wanted to nap so I could be awake for Ranger's call. If he called at all? I have to stop doubting his word; he has never given me a reason to.

I keep having nightmares about ending up as Joe's wife, taking care of six or seven kids, spending my days in his Aunt's house. I looked like June Cleaver in an apron with straight hair. The worst part was Ranger was walking backwards from me, saying "I don't recognize you anymore" and then he starts to fade away.

I always wake up during the part where he was fading. The idea of Ranger fading out of my life scares me to death. I think I am only settling for what Joe is offering because Ranger isn't offering anything. Or is he?

Neither of us says what we really mean. Really - I couldn't just go up to him and tell him I love him, could I?

What if I am assuming too much about his feelings? What if he just wants to be friends? I would rather be the best friend he has ever had and have him for the rest of my life than as his lover for a short time.

I feel so bad because he feels so removed from everyone around him. I always thought that he was surrounded by people when he wasn't with me. Woman just would throw themselves at his feet and to hear that they don't hold his interests both pleases me and makes me sadder for him. I have pried a lot of info out of Tank; I think he is just worried about Ranger too. Tank says that he spends most of his down time alone in the apartment on seven. Alone in an apartment that he doesn't even consider home. That sounds depressing.

But no more, I know I can draw him out and make him join the rest of the world. I think he wants me to; he does not love solitary confinement anymore.

I get up to make some coffee in my new Keurig coffee maker, the one that just appeared on my counter with about 50 assorted K cups. It appeared one day after I mentioned I ran out of coffee. That is how things have been going lately; pizza's appearing at dinner time, peanut butter and bread on the counter, food for Rex. I know it was Ranger, either he did it himself or made sure the Merry Men took care of it for me. Ranger always takes care of me in little ways that Joe would never think about. If it doesn't directly benefit Joe, why would he really think about how much I struggle financially. Ranger always seems to know when I am getting to the end of my bank account and something always comes up without it feeling like charity.

I was excited when the phone rang the "Batman" theme song. I got comfortable on the couch with my coffee.

"Yeah." I didn't want to steal his "yo."

"Babe."

I snicker a little and ask him how his vacation is going and when he is planning to come back.

"I let a local lady braid my hair. She did a great job, but I am not sure it is me. But it would look great on you."

I laugh, I am not sure anyone would want to try to tackle my curls.

He tells me that he has done hours of surfing, that he thinks that surfing might be one of his new favorite ways to relax. I have never been surfing and he offers to teach me. . Too bad there is no surfing in Trenton, Ranger in only board shorts, my mind drifts to the image of him coming out of the water, shaking his hair…. Oh, he is talking... asking me how things have been going in Trenton.

I tell him about catching Clinton London, he was working at Subway when I went to apprehend him. I ended up covered in mayo, pickles and banana peppers, but I got him. And my hair has never been so shiny; there might be real benefits of mayo in the hair.

"Proud of you, babe."

He was proud of me; he was never embarrassed or blamed me for how my captures went down. He was always supportive that I got my man. Who supports him?

"Thanks, can I ask you again when you are coming home?"

He doesn't' answer at first and I prepared myself for him to say "Babe" or something that cuts me out and gives me no answers. He surprises me, explaining that he has about another week on the island and then will stay in Philly for two weeks or until he finds what he is searching for.

"What are you searching for?"

"Myself. I am losing so much of myself and am I am unhappy and lonely."

I am taken aback to hear him admit that he is unhappy. I would never think that he would admit that to me. Who would ever think he is as unhappy as he sounds?

"Ranger a lot of this is self imposed, you stay away from everyone and you can be so intimidating that it is easier to stay away than try."

"I know I did it to myself, I am just trying to figure out how to fix it."

We talk for a little more and I can tell he is trying to be more open. He tells me a little bit about stealing cars in high school. He sounds a little proud of how many he actually took before getting caught. I tell him about sneaking out to parties with Mary Lou.

Before we hang up, he thanks me for listening and tells me to check my email.

There is one new message from RCM that is different that the emails I usually get from him. This is probably his personal email address. I click on it and it is music. Why would he send me music? I always love Blue October, but I don't think that is Justin Furstenfeld.

It sounds like it could be Ranger – could it be? No, it couldn't. Could it?

_A/N: Thanks for everyone for being patient with me. Too much going on in RL with the kids being home and balancing what I want to do (write all day) and what I should do (play with kids) so I am working on this. _

_Thanks Christibabe for helping me through the writer's block that was plaguing me. _

_Again I love reviews; they are like candy to me. _


	9. Chapter 9

Waiting for Change

Part 9

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

**Tank**

I am glad to hear that Ranger has been in constant contact with Stephanie. As much as he is private about his feelings, anyone can tell by his actions how important she is to him. He always tries to make sure she has what she needs, I know he leaves here at night to go check on her, I don't know if the late night checks are for her sake or his. Whenever something is wrong or something could have happened to her, he drops what he is doing to be by her side. He just needs to let her know the meaning behind his actions. But since I know his words can be so contradictory, I understand why she is wary.

I hope she can see that he is trying. She has shared every one of the songs that he sent her with me. First she was shocked that he did play, it doesn't seem like something he would do and then she was intrigued by his voice. I was trying to find any hidden meaning in what he was sending her. It wasn't as if he was serenading her with love songs, but the songs must make him think of her in some way. Even I was impressed by his version of "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz, I know that Lenny's sound is very hard to duplicate, he is one of my favorites. It is always on rotation in my SUV, when I don't think Ranger is paying attention, he must have been. Stephanie's favorite so far was, "Have you ever seen the rain?" By Creedence Clearwater Revival I don't know what it said to her, but she wanted me to put it on her MP3 player. I am constantly impressed by his skill; I do think he missed his calling.

He has called me several times; I know that he is working on whatever has been eating at him. Trying to get back all of the things that he lost. Those that have known him for years are just waiting for him to come around. Bobby, Les and I were never upset at him; we just were giving him the space he seemed to demand. But if he wants in on our poker nights again, there is always a spot. When Ranger lets himself just be, he is great to be around, he is quick and funny. A great guy to have on your basketball team or on your side in paintball. He will give you the shirt of his back if he thought you needed it more than he did.

That is what I am thinking about now, in his restructuring plan for Rangeman he wants to give me 40% ownership. That is fulfilling what I have been saving for, I wanted to buy into the company and he just wants to hand it over. Saying that it is more for him than for me, he wants to get a life, get to know his daughter and just have some downtime. I feel like I am taking something from him, but Ranger never does anything he doesn't want to do. I am going to take him up on his offer, with conditions on paying him back.

During one of our conversations he asked me how I can do what we have done and see what we have seen and still allow people into my life. Aren't I afraid of tainting them with my darkness?

That was a great question and something I knew he was wrestling with. I told him, I know I have not done nearly the things that he has, but you just have to make a choice. Are you more than your actions? If you think that you are only the things that you have done, then everything that we fought for, still fight for wins and the war isn't even worth it anymore. We aren't sociopaths, we don't indiscriminately kill and the fact that he is having this dilemma is proof of that. There is nothing that we have done or will do that isn't for the love of our country, our family or freedom in general.

"What about the things that were done for the love of money?"

"Yeah, but who was paying those bills? Uncle Sam, that is who, so it was still for our country."

"And that needs to be enough."

"Yes, Ranger, because you have to give the people who chose to be in our lives some credit, also. They want to be with us and if they can accept us and love us, who are we to doubt that?"

I think I gave him a lot to think about. I hope I didn't make him retreat back into exile. I would miss the friend that I slowly see coming back. He doesn't talk too much about Stephanie, but what I am hearing from her, they are getting to a better place than she could have imagined.

I don't know how I became Dr. Phil, but she asked me what she should do about Morelli. The only advice I could give is are you with him because you love him or are you with him because you are afraid to be alone? If you don't love him, don't you think he should be free to find someone who does?

Damn! I am full of great advice lately. Now, I just need to call Ranger and tell him of my conditions to his deal and we are in business.

_A/N: I just want to thank everyone who has been reviewing and following this story. The more I write, the more I am getting a clearer direction of where I want this to go. I just want to say reviews are like candy and if I don't respond to all of them directly I apologize, but I do appreciate all of them, they just make my writing better _


	10. Chapter 10

Waiting for Change

Part 10

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I don't want to leave this island. This is the most relaxed I have felt in years, at least physically. Being able to sleep through the night with no interruptions and having Stephanie as the last person I talk to most nights have done wonders for me. My reaction time is faster, my endurance is better; I am running 7 miles on the beach, easy. It is amazing what lack of sleep does to your body. I don't know how I well I would have fared in a combat situation before.

Stephanie and I becoming closer, I know I can feel it, but I don't know what it means to her. I know she considers us friends, but I am not sure how she feels about more. She is still spending time with Morelli. I know I have never offered her an alternative, but does she need one to decide that she doesn't want him? I don't know how it would make me feel if she went straight from his bed to mine. I know it sounds hypocritical, because I have been in her bed and sent her to his. But she seems more reactive than active. I want her to want me, not because I told her I want to be with her, but because she decided on her own.

It doesn't make sense, but nothing about my feelings for Stephanie make sense to me. It makes me feel selfish and not in control.

Control that is a problem in my life. I am sick of feeling like the choices in my past are controlling my future. I am sick of being in control, but I am having a hard time of letting go.

One of the conversations I have had with my mother had to do with my slight OCD and need to be in charge all of the time.

I have called her several times apologizing for the distance and promising to do better. She has given me some great advice. Asking me how anything good is going to come my way if I don't let things just happen? If I want love, love is messy, unexpected and unpredictable. How am I going to let love in if I am afraid? Fear and love cannot live in the same house.

Am I afraid? Of love? Of Stephanie? Of loving Stephanie as much as I do and finding out that it is completely one sided? Of opening up to her and she still chooses Morelli?

I don't know, as much as I love this time alone, I am still coming up with more questions than answers.

I plug in the electric and play "Bullets with Butterfly Wings" By Smashing Pumpkins. I do feel that way a lot.

**Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved.**

This is not one I plan to send to Stephanie, while I am not serenading her with love songs, I just am not sending her any of that angry music that sometimes makes me feel so much better.

I don't know what I am going to send her tonight; I know she will be expecting a song. She hasn't said much, but I skipped on night and she emailed me asking if I was forgetting something. I complained before about not getting enough time to play, I am getting so much time, I can't imagine going back to only practicing or playing once or twice a week.

I record, "Little Black Submarines" by The Black Keys and send it to Steph before I change my mind.

I have also spent a lot of time trying to figure out the tone of my show. I meet with the other musicians in Philly on Monday and we have spent a lot of time Skyping. They have great ideas and are very talented, so that does take some of the burden off of my shoulders. I am not nervous; I just don't know exactly what direction I want things to go. I think a mix of metal, alternative, a few ballads and I have a special song I adapted just for Tank. Music wise, I think we will be compatible, but my regular clothes are not modern enough. I am still stuck in a flannel shirt and jeans look, I know it isn't quite up to current style. But really that is the last time I wasn't in uniform or all black.

That is something Stephanie could help me with, which would be an excuse to get her to visit me in Philadelphia. That woman would never pass up an opportunity to shop. And I would get an opportunity to invite her into another part of my life. I wonder if she would like me as 'Rico Mann'.

I promised her I would let her in, like she isn't already.

I need to get packing. There is a plane to catch. I look around the place again; to make sure nothing is left behind. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I think the beard is going to stay. I need to get it trimmed a little. But I like how it looks.

I wish I could stay, but I am self aware enough to know that staying would be hiding. So, I lock up and head to the next part of my plan and hope it doesn't all bite me in the ass.

_A/N: I am hoping now that school is starting I will have more time. I am sorry it has been awhile since I updated this, I hope people are still interested in reading. If anyone has more song ideas, I would love it. I have received several that I plan to use for his show. _

_I am addicted to reviews, I don't know if there is a 12 step program for my addiction. But I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. _


	11. Chapter 11

Waiting for Change

Part 10

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I felt like I was a teenage sneaking out of my house. I just didn't want to deal with any of those where, why, with who and how long questions I would get if anyone found out I was going to Philadelphia. Ranger called and said he needed my help, so of course I dropped what I did and went. How many times has he done that for me? I never once thought what I could be pulling him away from with my emergencies, so it is only fair that I do the same.

Joe would have a field day with this, Ranger calls and Stephanie goes running. I completely understand his jealousy and hostility towards Ranger and the entire relationship. I feel a similar way about Terri, but it never once stopped me from going. What does that say about my feelings? I say one thing and feel something complete different. There are days where I feel horrible, I am using Joe in every way and cannot seem to stop. I kiss Ranger, I day dream about Ranger and then find Joe and screw his brains out. I wonder what Joe would say if he knew that I am getting off pretending he is another man. No, I take that back, I don't want to know. His ego couldn't take it. And again, I don't blame him. I would be pissed, but that is who I am lately.

I have all of the songs Ranger has sent me burned on a CD that I can play in the 2003 Saturn I am driving these days. Surprised isn't even close to how I felt when I figured out he sings and plays guitar like a pro. I found myself searching for meaning behind every song he sings. I am reaching for sure, but I was hoping that he was trying to tell me 'something'. I think he is just sending me songs he likes, or he thinks I would like. Hearing his voice touches my heart in ways he would never want to consider. And turns me on in ways I would be embarrassed to tell him about.

The songs changes to "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns n Roses, and it makes me smile. We had a conversation the night before where he told me that he was a complete head banger with the long hair and bandanna for a while in high school. Thinking he was as bad ass as Slash, in his GNR t-shirt, smoking across the street from school. I couldn't see it, but then I could. I love that he is sharing more with me.

I turn the radio down so I can hear the GPS. It takes me down several side streets until I pull up to an apartment complex. A very nice apartment complex, but very residential, it out prices anything I could afford. But very below what I knew Ranger could afford. I expect that he isn't driving the Turbo; it would stick out like a sore thumb.

I park in the visitors parking and make my way to the apartment on the 6th floor. I just assumed that room 604 would be the penthouse, but this place has 16 floors. He keeps throwing me off. When he opens the door, I brace myself against the door jam. He looks so different. If I wasn't looking for him, I would pass him on the street and not recognize him.

His hair was does in thick waves. I never realized it was so wavy. It was always pulled back in some way, which probably straightened it out some. The beard that he is wearing suits him so much, it wasn't a long grandpa beard, it was a neat trimmed beard, that was so sexy, it was making me reconsider my stance on facial hair.

What threw me off the most were his clothes, grey sweats and a white wife beater. Not a stitch of black to be found, and his feet were bare. His feet, I slowly look up and meet his eyes. He is smirking at me a little because I think he followed where my brain was taking me.

"Hi! I am Rico, Rico Mann."

Okay, he is going by an alias, I can go with this. He didn't say I needed to, but should I? No, he would have told me if I needed to.

"Hi! I am Steph."

And he turns and we walk inside.

He sits me down at a plain oak table that is beside a couple of really nice looking guitars and a laptop. He starts to explain to me that he has a show at a club to do in a little over a week and he needs my help with clothes.

Clothes? I think he always looks fabulous. The rest of the band has mentioned that he doesn't look modern on more than one occasion. I can help him with that. Something more modern and stylish, but still Ranger… or Rico as he is going by here. I first need to know what he is working with. We walk thru the apartment, not much to see it has nice furniture, but nothing special. But the bedroom has a closet so large; I would give my first born for it. Looking thru his clothes, I see what they mean. A lot of flannel shirts and jeans, it is very 90s. I think he just goes back to whatever he wore before he started wearing army fatigues or all black.

He sits in the chair and watches me without saying anything.

"Okay, we can go now; I have an idea on where you are stuck."

"No, not yet."

Huh? He stands up and sits back down.

"Before we shop, I would like to take you to dinner."

"Sure, we can grab something at the mall."

"No, I mean I want to take you out, to dinner. I want to take you on a date."

He is asking me out on a date? He couldn't have told me this before I arrived. I don't have any clothes, not date clothes. I have another change of clothes because you never know with me. But I don't have any date clothes.

"Babe, don't worry about what you are wearing, we can go to a casual dinner, go shopping and then I can show you to the club. You are fine for what we are doing. Our second date can be more formal, with you in some sexy heels."

He is already saying there will be a second date? Dating? Are going to be dating?

Don't we need to talk about this first? Joe and I are on right now. We need to be clear on what this means? Does it mean anything? I can't… He doesn't really want to… I really want to.

And then he grabs my hand and everything else I was worried about, slips away.

_A/N: Hi! I am back. School has started and I have a portion of my life back. Thanks for everyone who is being patient with me. I love this story. I really think I do. I hope everyone else does also. _

_Any reviews are good reviews! _


	12. Chapter 12

Waiting for Change

Part 12

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I was completely unprepared for the feelings it would bring to have Stephanie shop for me. To have her take the time to examine every piece, the small smile on her face every time she finds something she likes, all while humming "Pretty Woman" under her breath.

No woman I have been with had wanted to take care of me in anyway. To be honest, there really hasn't been an opportunity for anyone to get that close. A couple of drinks in a bar, sex and one of us is gone before morning. I call them dates, but in actuality it has just been a series of emotionally unsatisfying one night stands.

I could have shopped for myself, but I wanted, needed Steph here. I missed seeing her while I was in Puerto Rico, so any excuse to get here near me. She always enjoys shopping, especially when I showed her the black Amex and told her there was no limit. There was squealing and jumping up and down, I know she only agreed because they were for me, she would never let me shop like this for her.

Piles of Diesel jeans, t-shirts, boots and sneakers later, we were ready to go to dinner. She completely stayed true to who I am, but throwing a little of herself into it. Does she know how intimate it will feel to be dressed by her?

I do love this woman, I have to tell her. I need to tell her and even if she still loves Morelli and I am not her choice, I know I have to give her a choice.

"Steph, thanks, this turned out so much more fun than I thought."

She smiles and helps me load up the truck. I drive us to a casual Thai restaurant for dinner. This is another part of letting her in. I frequent this place when I get a chance to stay in Philly for a meal. I love all types of food, she thinks I am a health nut, and that is true, but you can be healthy in any cuisine. It makes it easier when I am not missing flavor.

"Ranger, am I supposed to call you Rico while I am here?"

"Yes, I am comfortable being Rico here, I will try to explain it more during dinner."

She nods and I help her out of the truck. Walking into the restaurant, we are immediately enveloped in the smells of the curry and spices.

"Thai? I have never had Thai food."

"It is one of my favorites; I think you will like it. I will go easy on you."

I put my hand on her back to lead her to our table. She hesitates when I touch her; I don't know what the hesitation is for, be we can talk over dinner.

I order an appetizer of Larb Gai, Pineapple Fried Rice for Steph and tofu Pa Nang Curry for myself and a couple of beers.

"So, tofu and a beer? Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?"

I admit that I am a little bit of a contradiction, but I just like what I like. But I hope she gets to know me and starts to understand.

She gives me the low down on things in Trenton while I was gone. She is not mentioning Morelli and I am not going to ask. I just want to spend time with her. I start to tell her about the small band I put together. They are both serious musicians, who eat, drink and breathe music. I feel like somewhat of a poseur next to them. I am serious about music, but I also have so many other things I am serious about. Music is my passion, but not my only passion; I play because it makes me feel good.

"Feeling good isn't bad, R-R an, Rico. You were going to explain that Rico thing to me."

I hope I can make her understand, I know what I feel like, but I am not sure it will make sense. Being Ranger Manoso has all of these expectations of being badass 24/7, being in control and on top of everything all the time, it is exhausting. Even being Carlos Manoso comes with a set of responsibilities, which I don't always want. But being Rico Mann, I am just a guy, living in a one bedroom apartment, driving a pick-up truck. I feel freer here than I have in awhile. I sometimes feel like I made my prison and there is no escape.

She is nodding in understanding while finishing her dinner. I think she liked everything; I would love to take her to Thailand and have authentic Thai food.

"I understand what you mean, but can't you just be Ranger and just be happy too?

"I am trying to figure out how to do that."

It feels good to admit that to someone. I hope it helps her in her knowledge of me. She has told me several times, that it is hard to know me and I want her to know me.

I pay for the meal and drive to Tritone. The guys are there and we are going to do a live practice. Playing well together is different than playing well live and this will be our first test. Three songs, I am not sure which three; each of us is going to pick one out of the ones we have practiced together.

As we enter the club, I grab her hand. I don't know why, but I am feeling possessive in my introductions. She is beautiful and I want Remy and Bax to know she is off limits. We don't arrive with a lot of time before it is our turn on stage. I didn't time it great; I wanted to dance with her. But I will make that part of the plan on the second date. I sit Steph at a table right in front.

"Like a groupie," she smiles. I lean in close and whisper, "my most important one," I wink. And walk away towards backstage.

"Are you ready Rico?"

"Always, do you know what you are each are going to pick."

I decide that we can just go on stage and pick up the song as it is played. I like the spontaneous act of that.

I put on one of the shirts that Steph picked out – just a grey t shirt that says "music saved my life", it goes well with the jeans I have on and the tuck it in to show the Batman belt buckle.

Bax, smiles and says that is better – your girl picked it out? I said yes, she helped.

We hop on stage and I look out and see Stephanie sitting there smiling. This is how I always want it to be.

When Remy starts "I want you" by Buckcherry, I cannot help but look directly at Stephanie when I sing the words.

**You set me free and I want you**

**You're what I need and I want you**

**You always make it better**

**Cause you come through and I want you. **

I can't tell what she is thinking from here, but I hope she is feeling that I am singing this to her.

Then Bax's choice starts, it seems like that has lyrics that speak to my feelings for Steph, too. I should have known he would pick "What do you want from me" by Adam Lambert. I have been trying to convince him that I am not glam rock enough for those songs.

**Yeah, there might have been a time**

**When I would let you slip away**

**I wouldn't even try**

**But I think you could save my life**

I think she could, I think she is what I have always needed. I just hope I am what she needs; I hope I can be without taking away what I love most about her. I worry that spending too much time with me will taint her in some way, but Tank has to be right, the people who chose to love us, should be trusted to love us the way we are.

I start singing Desperado, my sister always said that when I sang that song it touched something in her heart.

I just lose myself in the song and vaguely notice that the guys are letting me do this solo. We have practiced and Bax thought this should be a solo, but I didn't expect them to really go through with it.

We are a good band; if I was younger I would love to do this with these guys all the time.

I leave the stage and Stephanie is crying. I don't understand, did I say something wrong?

She kisses me. No words are needed; she has never initiated a kiss before.

_A/N: Thanks for reading this. There are only a few more chapters planned. Any suggestions and reviews are always welcome!_


	13. Chapter 13

Waiting for Change 

Part 13

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

I can feel Ranger's eyes on me while he should be driving. I am keeping him from getting into his "zone". I haven't said a word since we left the club, not since I kissed him. There were no words or I just couldn't find the words right now. I felt him, the words he was singing I could feel they were for me.

I finally saw him; saw him completely in his element. This is what he was meant to be, this is who he is. He has been trying to show me, tell me. But in an instant with his guitar and a microphone, I saw everything he has been trying to get me to see.

Then I heard all of the women around me who had plans for the 'hot lead singer', something inside me wanted to scream that he was MINE, that he was singing to ME for ME. I did the first thing I could think of, I kissed him. The way he leaned into the kiss and held my face in his hands was so different than the hundreds of kisses we have shared. It was more intimate, which sounds crazy because we were surrounded by people, but it just felt like a promise or a declaration. I don't know how to verbalize it, hence the quiet.

I know who holds my heart, I have known for awhile, but I thought I could settle. I could learn to do what was expected of me. Tank was right, I owe it to myself, and I owe it to Joe to let him go. If I can't be with Ranger, if Ranger doesn't want to be with me, I can't let myself settle.

Now how to tell Ranger, I need him to know how I feel.

We get back to the Philly apartment faster than I thought we would. I haven't figured out what I am going to say.

"Babe, you okay?" I can only nod. I step away so he can't touch me; I can't think when he touches me.

We get upstairs, and I sit on the back of the couch and he sits on the arm. He is giving me my space and I am grateful, because I could just jump him now and that is not what this is about.

"Ranger, this is dumb, we can't keep doing this."

His face falls like I slapped him and then he puts on his blank face in a split second. If I wasn't staring at him, I would have missed the expression.

"No, I mean… I don't know… Shit Ranger. I can't keep being without you. I missed you every day while you were gone. I miss you now because you are not touching me. I pretend that Joe is you, I am hurting, and I am hurting people because I want you."

"What are you saying, Steph? You want me?"

I am not recognizing the tone of his voice, he doesn't sound like himself. He sounds hurt? Am I not saying this right? Did I misunderstand what has been going on? Great… now I have embarrassed myself, I should leave.

"How do you want me Stephanie?

My entire name, I don't know what is happening. His entire posture is screaming that I hurt his feelings. But I am not sure how.

"Huh? I am not sure why you are pissed; I didn't think my feelings for you would piss you off?"

"Feelings, for me? What do you need me to scratch an itch, Stephanie?" He is practically snarling at me, he is so angry. "Sure, come on, I can take care of that for you, then you can go back to Morelli."

I am shocked by his reaction. I sit there replaying what I said. Part of me wants to run out of here and not deal with this. But I know if I leave this now, nothing will ever be the same between us. I told him I wanted him. That reminds me of something he said in one of our conversations, that part of the many reasons he has been single for awhile, is that he never knows what women want from him. Is it because he is good looking that they want him? He must think that I just want another roll in the hay.

I walk into the bedroom. He has his shirt off and is staring out of the window.

"Ranger?" Nothing, no reaction.

"No, we are not moving backwards because we can't express ourselves."

"Stephanie, I can't… I don't want to..."

He stops speaking and turns and looks at me. He looks, defeated.

"I can't just fuck you - I can't do that and watch you go back to Morelli again. I know pushed you away before, I am not strong enough to do that again."

He walks over in front of me and kneels, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I sigh; this is how it is supposed to feel. I feel safe here. I don't feel that way with Joe; I haven't in a long time, if ever. If this is how love is supposed to feel then I don't want to let it go. Joe deserves to find someone that makes him feel this.

"Steph, I love you. I tried not to, but I can't stop. If you don't love me, I will be hurt, but I understand and will always be there for you."

I know that it is taking a lot for him to tell me that. He has been working on expressing himself, but putting himself out on a limb like that. I can't believe he is unsure on how I feel.

"Ricardo Carlos Manoso, I have loved you for so long. I love you, I want you, and I want to be with YOU."

There it is finally out there. We are in love, now the rest of the details is what is going to make it difficult.

As much as I want to fall into bed with him right now. I won't. he won't trust it because of Joe. Because I was always told, the way a relationship starts, is the way it will end. If I sleep with him now, when I am still technically 'with' Joe, Ranger will always wonder about my fidelity. I need to break it off with Joe, face to face. I owe him that.

But nothing is stopping me from holding engaging in the mind blowing kisses he is giving me.

We have a lot of talking to do, but right now in this place and in his arms, this is perfect.

_A/N: _

_Thanks for everyone who has reviewed this story. I feel it winding down. But I have no plans for the next story. So if someone has an idea of what kind of angsty place I can put these 2 in for my next story. All suggestions are welcome. _


	14. Chapter 14

Waiting for Change 

Part 14

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did._

When Stephanie went back to Trenton, it felt like a little piece of me left with her. A weekend away from the 'Burg was all she could manage until she finished with Morelli. She was going to go back to a lot of questions as it was.

It was also all I could physically take. Having her so near, holding her all night and waking up to her in the morning was so hard, in every sense of the word. I had to respect her decisions. It was a great point - the way a relationship starts is a good predictor of how it would end and we don't want to go into this with any doubts.

I had practices to keep me occupied. We practiced until we couldn't see straight, fell into bed and woke up to do it all again.

I found a little time to send an email to Tank inviting him and the guys to the gig. I wanted to invite some of the guys into what I have been up to; I thought it was low-key way of showing this other side of me. But my email to Tank must have sounded more excited that I thought, because 10 minutes after I sent it, he was calling.

"Man, are you serious? This is what you always wanted."

"It's not a big deal; it is just a small gig."

"I don't think you know everyone is talking about "Audio Bliss" and their lead singer."

"What?"

I knew there was going to be advertising, but I really thought it was local. I need to call the guys and Steph. I am not nervous, I am just surprised.

"Tank, it is fine, tell the guys who aren't' on duty to come on. I'll make sure there is room at the table with Steph."

"With Steph, huh? What's up with that? She is staying on seven, being very quiet on where she spent the weekend. You couldn't wipe the smile off of her face if you tried. Oh and willing driving your Benz. Tell Dr. Tank?"

"Not yet, but I finally got my head out."

I hung up and called Remy to let him know that our small gig is getting more attention that we ever thought. It could be their big break.

"Rico, we couldn't do it without you. You are the lead singer, the guy. If this turns into anything, it wouldn't be anything without you."

They wouldn't? I knew I was a poseur, this is what they do, and this is who they are. I run a security company; I am just taking a sabbatical, getting my head on straight, but playing rock star for a little while.

I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I have to get back to my life. Don't I?

Tank has been running Rangeman with no problems. He doesn't need me full time. None of the offices are set up to need me. Boston and Miami are running fine with my occasional visits. I started both and moved on. What was so special about Jersey? I know Stephanie Plum; I was ready to move forward until I met her.

I wonder what she would want. There is nothing I want to do if she isn't willing to come, also. Would she stay with me in Philly for awhile? I know it is early in our relationship to ask her to relocate her entire life for me or is it? We have been dancing around each other for years.

I am getting excited, but I might just be excited for nothing. I know this is how bands get started, mini cover tours and maybe recording our own music. Wow! That is my dream. I need to calm down.

I pick up the acoustic and start to play, "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day.

_A/N: Short chapter, I got a little lost on the direction and this came to me while I was working today. I am hoping to move the story forward with the next chapter. Again all reviews or suggestions are greatly appreciated. _


	15. Chapter 15

Waiting for Change 

Part 15

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. If she wants to give me partial ownership of Tank and Ranger, I wouldn't say no._

**Stephanie**

I can't keep putting of the inevitable. Just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean I can avoid it in the hopes that it goes away. That thinking is what has me standing on Joe's front porch. That and a not so subtle push from Tank. I know what I need to do, I know what I want to do, but it isn't going to be fun.

I made promises to myself and to Ranger. I am ready to move forward with my life and live it the way that I want. I guess I stalled on the porch too long because Joe opened the door.

"Cupcake, are you going to stand out there all day? Where have you been?" He looks out side and notices the black Rangeman vehicle.

"I didn't hear anything about your car exploding? Do you have another stalker? Have you been in a safe house? God, I wish you would just give up this job, I can't keep living on Maalox."

I haven't said a word all through his rant. I am not going to miss this part of the relationship.

"Joe, can we go in? I don't want to do this out here."

We walk inside and I look around, this place, this house was the future everyone had planned for me. For awhile I bought into the fantasy also. But my future is playing his guitar in an apartment in Philly.

Bob ambles up to me; I reach down to pet him. I will miss him, because after this conversation, I doubt Joe will want to share visitation with me for awhile. I wish that this will end with us still being friends. But what do they say about wishes "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" what does that even mean? I wonder if Ranger knows. I bet he knows.

"Joe, we need to talk…. This isn't working, we can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I am not who you want me to be, I can't be. And you can't be who I need you to be. We fight, we make up, we have been doing this for YEARS aren't you tired."

He sits on the couch without looking at me.

"So you disappear for a few days and come home to tell me that this isn't working? Isn't it kind of convenient since word on the street is Manoso has been MIA for awhile?"

I don't think I need to respond to that. I am really hoping that I can get out of here without telling him about Ranger and me. It isn't Ranger's fault that I don't love Joe the way I should. Joe just wants things that I don't want right now and I am not sure I ever will.

"Ya know, if we keep this up, we would only end up hating each other. I've known you too long; I don't want us to hate each other."

I sit next to him on the couch and hold his hand. It is so warm, strong, solid and a little sweaty. Grandma Mazur always says you can tell a lot by a man's hands. And Ranger's hands are all nimble fingers and cool to the touch. The contrast of his always cool hands to my hot skin…oh the thought. He always seems just a little cooler than I am and it feels divine, like crawling into cool sheets on a hot summer day.

Shit… I am losing my train of thought.

"Steph, we could have a life – get married, have some kids and lead a nice life. What girl doesn't want that?"

"You never listen to me! This girl, this girl doesn't want that. I want to be free, to go where I want, when I want and with whomever I want. Joe, I do not want to be a house wife or any kind of wife right now. And I definitely do not want to be a mother."

"You will, when you get whatever bug you got up your butt out of your system. You will want what all girls want and what then? I won't wait for you."

"Good, don't wait – you deserve love, Joe. With someone who can love the life you want, someone who can love you with everything that they are."

I close my eyes while I am talking, because I am thinking of the love I have for Ranger.

"Someone who will give up their life for yours, when they hold you it should feel like, you are finally home. When you look at them the world falls away and it is just amazing."

I look at Joe; he looks like he is in pain.

"I thought that is what we had?"

"I am so sorry, I am, I tried. I tried so hard to be what you needed, but I can't."

I squeeze his hand intending to get up- but he holds on.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me this has nothing to do with Manoso."

I can't do that, I won't deny it but I don't want to talk about it with Joe.

He lowers his voice, "How long? How long have you been together?"

"We aren't…"

"Don't lie, how long have you loved him?"

"Awhile."

"So, I was your second choice? Were you just with me because Rambo wouldn't throw you a bone? Biding your time so your bed wouldn't get cold?"

"It wasn't, it wasn't like that…"

"Then tell me Stephanie, exactly what it was like. It wasn't like you were with him 'working' and then come home and fuck me. Is it because you were too scared to fuck him? Or were you just using him to get you all worked up? Is that how it worked Stephanie? Is that how you love him? While I was inside you? Were you wishing I was him? WERE YOU?!"

I start to speak and he drops my hands.

"Just go, I can't listen to anymore-I can tell that you have more important places to be. Go and tell Manoso that he won. But I hope he knows what he is getting…you could have just been honest."

"I am sorry."

"Just go! I don't even want to look at you right now. I am pissed and hurt. Maybe later but you need to leave your key."

I walk towards the door and go to hang the key on the hook.

"Leave it there Steph and there is no coming back, when Ranger is through with you, I won't be here to pick up what he leaves behind."

I hang the key, nod at Joe and walk out the door.

The sound of the door closing is so loud, so final, it echoes in my ears for awhile. I look in the window; Joe is standing there watching me walk away. It is a feeling of moving forward, leaving my childhood behind and moving forward. Maybe he was one thing that kept me stuck in one place in my life. I was clinging so hard to the old, I couldn't see the new.

The new is waiting for me in Philly, I have some packing to do and I got to go if I am going to get to Philly in time to help Ranger/Rico get dressed for tonight. And I have to get myself ready too. I need to look the part of the rock star's girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Woman? Main squeeze? I know…just his Babe. That is enough for me.

_A/N: I want to that __**Christibabe**__ and __**Margaret **__ for helping me through this chapter. I didn't have direction and could not figure out how I wanted to handle this break up and they gave me inspiration to point me in the right direction. _

_I hope everyone enjoyed it. I love all of your reviews. Even if I don't get to respond to everyone of them, they are all read and appreciated. _


	16. Chapter 16

Waiting for Change 

Part 16

_Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. If she wants to give me partial ownership of Tank and Ranger, I wouldn't say no._

Stephanie was supposed to speak to Morelli before she came back. Back to me? I know what she said, but there was something that drew them together again and again. Some kind of pull that she hasn't ignored in the past.

What if that pull was stronger than the love I know she has for me? What if I wasn't what she really wanted? I shared some things with her trying to let her more into who I was, what if who I am turns out to be too much? It is easy to get caught up in the emotion, but when reality set in, what if what she really needed/wanted was someone easy, something that her family could readily accept and recognize? There are so many aspects or our relationships that we haven't discussed. While we don't see the racial differences, Trenton especially the 'Burg, might not be so forgiving.

I can't sit here and do this to myself. I have to trust that she intends to keep the promises we made, because where is this relationship without trust? I do trust her, more than anyone I have trusted in awhile, because I don't just trust her with my life, I trust her with my heart.

I have to get into my zone, I have to practice, and the guys are depending on me. I am nothing if I cannot rise to any challenge, I don't feel nervous or unsure about this performance. I need to be, have always needed to be the strong, confident one. Bax is a crazy ball of energy, thinking about this being his big break. Remy is a little more subdued; however he has heard that a producer or promoter wants to see what Audio Bliss is capable of.

Taking a look in the mirror, the man staring back at me is unrecognizable from the bad ass man in black I have been used to for awhile. I am shirtless, in jeans with bare feet, unkempt hair and a short beard, there was nothing like the regimented soldier left in this look. And I have never been happier. Wearing the clothes Steph picked out for me, she loves having that freedom and I love giving it to her. Even with her small obsession with belt buckles. There are probably a dozen or so in the drawer and I know she has ordered several more. I was thinking of wearing the one that said "Cocky" tonight, it made me laugh and it is very true. But that will be Steph's call. I just hope she doesn't take Bax's idea of going on stage shirtless.

I don't want to be "that" guy - I have talent and I hope my looks will come secondary. I know they don't but some delusions are easier than others. I've never gotten by on my looks and I am not about to start now. Sure there have been times and situations where looking good counted or helped, but that was never important. Looks fade or could be gone as fast as a gunshot. No, I have always prided myself that I get by in spite of my looks and showing up on stage shirtless would do nothing to have us taken seriously.

I told the guys that I needed to spend some time alone in the apartment before we go on stage. There is something in me that believes that this will change my life, I have always gotten a feeling before huge moments. My first mission with the Rangers, getting Tank and I out of that God-forsaken jungle before the spot where we were hiding went up in flames, answering the phone when Connie called that day and agreeing to help the newest bounty hunter, all those times gave me a feeling similar to the one I have now.

The acoustic is just lying on the couch, practically calling my name. I won't be using her tonight-it will be an all electric show. Running my hands over the well worn wood, this is the place I felt more right than anything for so long. It doesn't feel like I am going through the motions, it feels like I am living.

My heart's like an open book  
For the whole world to read  
Sometime, nothing keeps me together  
At the seams

I'm on my way, I'm on my way  
Home sweet home, tonight tonight  
I'm on my way, just set me free  
Home sweet home

The old Motley Crue song just flows out of my fingers with no thought behind it at all. I'm just lost in the music. I don't hear Stephanie come in, looking up she is just standing there smiling at me.

"Alright, guitar hero, you guys were having trouble coming up with the first song. I heard "Everybody Talks, by the Neon Trees" in the car on the way here. I can just imagine you singing that and feeling like it was just to me."

"I have heard that, we can do that."

She pulls a bag from behind her back, with a grin. What could I have possibly needed that she hasn't already purchased. It must be something because she can't wipe that grin off of her face. I grab the bag and look inside and can't help but smile myself. It is a Johnny Cash t-shirt; he is the original "man in black".

Then she ushers me into the shower while she get the rest of my things ready. Shit! I didn't ask her how it went with Morelli. Not time to talk about that now, I can't let that get into my head. She is here with me now and that is what matters.

I am dressed in a few minutes, I knew she would pick out another belt buckle; this one is shaped like a microphone. I am surprised at how young I look, I don't know if it is the clothes or the fact that I don't feel the world hanging on my back.

I turn and look at Steph and she looks amazing in jeans that hug in all the right places and a light blue Audio Bliss baby tee.

"Our first groupie." I smile and kiss her.

Let's go. This is going to be good.

_A/N:_

_Thanks everyone for being patient with me. I figured out the one thing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy… kidney stones. I have never felt pain like that in my life (worse than the 2 kids). But seems things are better now. _

_I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, next will be the performance. _


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